Astray
by pinkphoenix1985
Summary: SPOILERS! Episode tag to 5x22. Sam's thoughts as he stands under the street-light and what happens afterwards.
1. Swan Song

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**_

He stood there under the street light gazing in on the happy family. He saw his brother trying to fit in for his sake, trying to but failing miserably as he too just gazed off into space holding his beer, ignoring the woman and child sitting at the table with him.

Sam sighed. He underestimated Dean's love for him. He should have known that a promise wouldn't have stopped Dean from thinking about him, from wanting to get him back. No, neither of them weren't better off without the other—especially if it meant that one of them was suffering in hell at the same time.

As time passed and the dinner plates were cleared, as Lisa and Dean put Ben to bed, Sam just stood there like a statue, watching and yearning to be a part of Dean's world again.

But he couldn't. Dean needed this apple-pie life after 27 years of having to hunt evil and spending a great deal of it taking care of Sam out of necessity, yes, but mostly out of love.

How else could Sam pay him back other than letting Dean have the life that he dreamed about having for so long, but it couldn't include him, _Sam_.

With that thought echoing through his mind, Sam glanced back at the now-darken house, bent down to pick up the bag that lay at his feet, and turned to leave behind the brother who meant everything to him.

As he walked away down the road, one could hear floating on the wind, a whisper of "Goodbye, Jerk."


	2. Running

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**_

**A/N-**_ I honestly meant for this to be a one-shot but my muse was persistent so I'm opening this up to a series of one shots about what happens to Sam after he leaves Dean at Lisa. Sadly, I don't see the angst letting up soon. But you might get a glimpse of how Dean is doing without Sam as well as the reunion between them. It depends on my muse. _I hope that you enjoy it...

Later, after walking and catching rides in no particular direction—just with the aim to get away from Dean as far as possible in the hope that then maybe the ache of leaving him would die down a little, Sam finally stopped running.

Sam hitched the bag back on to his shoulder and glanced around the little town. He didn't really care where he was, it didn't matter. The purpose of this town really was to just provide him with shelter and safety while he figured out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, time left alone here on earth.

He didn't really know what had happened after he fell into the fiery hole. All he knew was that he had woken up lying on the ground of Skull cemetery in the same spot where the hole had been. There was no Dean or the Impala waiting for him there. He knew that Dean had done what he had promised and had gone to Lisa.

From there it was easy, there was no doubt in Sam's mind that he had to go to see Dean. But as he stood there under that street light, he realized that he could give Dean what he really dreamed for—especially since Sam didn't know what he was anymore. He doubted that he was fully human, since keeping Lucifer on a lease had taken its toll on Sam's body and soul. Sam didn't want to pull Dean back in the hunting life—Dean had earned his freedom and Sam wasn't going to be the one to drag him back in.

Taking a deep breath, Sam resigned himself to the fate of his own making and took one step into the town's single motel complex where he booked himself a room.


	3. One Last Promise

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. **

_So it's Dean's turn and this is what has been happening with him._

The apple-pie life wasn't all that it was cracked up to be as Dean was fast finding out. At first, he had to admit that a part of him that wasn't adrift in the overwhelming ocean of grief was excited about doing "normal".

So he went out and got a job at a local garage since next to hunting, it was what he was good at. It was an honest to god 9-to-5 job, and in the beginning, Dean found it comforting to have the routine of having to go to work and coming home. To get his mind off the fact that Sam was not_ there_ by his side and was in hell.

Since that first day/night, he couldn't be sure, he hadn't touched a beer. He couldn't. Not only was it his and Sam's thing on the odd occasion, but he remembered what Sam had told him about when he was down in the pit and how Sam had drowned his grief in beer. Dean didn't want to do the same, he had to be the big brother, the one that survived and did things differently. He had to for as much as his sake as well as Sam's.

The weeks went by, as work, family suppers, family time, and father-son bonding activities with Ben just bled into one until Dean just found himself going through the motions and just being…

He couldn't stop even if he desperately wanted to because he had _promised_. A promise extracted from a big brother for his little brother.

One last promise.


	4. Day by Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_We're still with Dean. The poor boy is trying but he isn't doing so great..._

After a month of staying at Lisa's, Dean had rented out a storage unit so he could store all of his and Sam's hunting gear as well as all of Sam's things. Lisa and Ben had offered to help out with moving things into the small, empty space that Dean had rented for the purpose. Dean refused. He had to do this by himself. Besides his dad's storage in Buffalo, everything that represented his life from the age of four went into the storage unit.

The very last thing that went into the storage unit was the Impala. As he left the storage unit, Dean gently caressed the Impala's black mental one last time and glanced longingly at the passenger's side. The Impala had been home to both of them and he couldn't face being at home without Sam. He locked the storage unit and kept the key in his pocket.

Working at the garage was satisfying, Dean supposed. It was refreshing earning a pay-check in his own name rather than an alias and getting some hard-earned cash. He insisted on helping Lisa out with rent and other routine things.

He went out on dates with Lisa. He went to Ben's sport activities, cheering him on as he played soccer all the while thinking of another 10 year old who had loved his big brother watching him play. He made friends with Al and Joe from work and on occasion they would invite him down to the local bar. Dean would go only after Lisa would push him out the door, insisting that he had a right to go and have fun with his friends.

But there were still the days, where the ache of not having Sam with him was a gnawing ache in his chest. Ben and Lisa knew that on those days, Dean was unavailable as he spent his day lovingly caressing the Impala's black mental and tearing up a little when he glanced at the little green army man still stashed in the ashtray from when a tiny Sam put it there.


	5. Existing

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_A/N: So we're back to Sam and what he's been doing. I did a little tribute to one of my favorite shows as some of the eagle-eyed among you will probably guess what it is ;) Plus there is a nod to the Pilot. For those of you who are here for Dean, he'll be back don't worry, as well as another fan favorite. _

After about a week of staying hidden in the motel room, Sam finally went outside. He had no money left and he had to get a job soon. There were not many job opportunities in a small town like the one he had decided to stop in. Luckily, the local grocer needed a grocery boy to help pack the groceries. Sam took it and felt lucky that he was able to get the job because the town was tiny and an outsider stuck out like a sore thumb.

As time passed and the days became weeks, there was the ever present ache of being apart from Dean. It wasn't like the hellish four months that Dean spent in hell because knowing that Dean was living a normal apple-pie life without him, _Sam_, was a new kind of hell—a hell that Sam willingly threw himself into.

Packing groceries for some of the more flamboyant people of the little town were just enough to get Sam out of bed for another day of just being. Day after day. He ate and drank only when he was on the verge of collapsing. At night, he would go to bed early because his body needed the sleep and really he didn't have anything better to do with his time.

At the start of the second month, Sam had lost his bulk, had become almost dangerously thin. He just was, just existing as a shadow of his former self.

Then one ordinary day, a day of no real importance which found Sam in the grocery store as per usual, when he overheard talk about three men who had disappeared two towns over. Each of the men had been alone in his car driving over a worn out bridge. That was the last anyone had heard of them. The next morning, the sheriff would find the car abandoned on the bridge with no sign of the man.

It's something supernatural, Sam thought to himself. He wasn't going to do anything about it. He couldn't, not without Dean by his side.

That night, Sam couldn't sleep. His mind just kept on going back to what he had heard earlier that day. He got out his laptop, the only thing that he had spent money on in recent months, and started researching the case.

As dawn came sleepily washing the darkness away, Sam was still wide awake researching.

He had work to do.


	6. Determined

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_A/N: Sorry that I haven't been updating this. I haven't abandoned it and I've outlined the entire ficlet series, but it will take me time to post it due to exams and real life. _

_Anyway, we're still with Sam and in this part he gets a surprise visitor ;D_

Since that day, Sam found new purpose in his life. He would find a hunt, kill the Supernatural being and save the civilian in question. He thrived on the research and the thrill of the hunt. He promised himself that he would make sure that the world was a better place, without supernatural evil stalking the innocent. Most of all, he wanted Dean not to worry about anything related to the supernatural.

If he, _Sam_, couldn't be with Dean, then the least he could do was make it a safer place for Dean and Lisa to raise Ben and their future children.

One day, after a nasty encounter with an angry poltergeist, Sam was standing in his motel bathroom, checking himself over for injuries and wincing occasionally when accidently touching a particularly bad bruise.

He glanced up in the mirror and jumped at the sight of Castiel behind him standing quite close.

"Jeez, Cas. Didn't we already have this conversation? I need my space, dude." Sam said as he turned around to face Castiel.

"Why aren't you with Dean?"

"What, no hello? No, how did you get out of Hell?" Sam said rolling his eyes.

Castiel just stared at him, waiting for Sam's reply.

Sam sighed, "Fine. I'm not with Dean because of the fact that I'm tainted and therefore I need to say away from him. He's got Lisa and Ben now, he doesn't need me around."

Castiel let out an uncharacteristic sigh of frustration, "Yes, Sam. You are undoubtedly tainted, but you still are Sam Winchester, Dean's little brother."

Sam shook his head at Castiel's comment.

Castiel continued, "Before you say anything, God himself gave me the message that he wanted you to go and be with Dean. He mentioned that it was part of your reward for getting Lucifer back into his cage."

Sam shook his head again stubbornly, "Oh so now God is all 'here's your reward' and here I thought that my reward was just simply getting out of the pit. Not that I'm ungrateful, but God and the rest of you guys have helped enough don't you think?"

Castiel stared at Sam sadly, "Sam—"

"No, Cas. Please don't. I'm doing what is best for Dean—staying away from him and his one chance of finally having a normal, no-supernatural-whatsoever, apple-pie life that he deserves."

Nodding in understanding, Castiel turned to leave. "Sam, I'll—we'll leave you alone. But just promise me this—please don't try and hide from Dean if he ever finds you."

With a tiny sigh, Sam gave his promise to Castiel who then left, leaving Sam standing alone in the tiny motel bathroom.


	7. Revival

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_A/N: This goes with part 6 so I'll decided to post them together. I'll admit that this does include a little cliffhanger which is purely unintentional but it's necessary for the next parts. _

_Now it's Dean's turn to receive a surprise visitor._

One night, Castiel showed up.

He had appeared in Lisa's dining room amidst their celebration of Dean's promotion at work- Lisa had insisted that they celebrate the occasion while all Dean wanted to do was just ignore it. Since that _day_, he didn't care much for the celebration of pretty much anything. That day should have been the ultimate celebration, one of triumph.

As Lisa and Ben cowered in the corner behind him, Dean glared at Castiel. He felt anger bubble up red-hot inside of him—_Castiel had been there that day. Yes, Castiel had been in a position where he couldn't help Sam not while Lucifer rode him, but then afterwards. When he magically reappeared from the dead yet again to heal Dean and Bobby. Why couldn't Castiel have done something to save Sam? The one who had sacrificed everything to save them all? _

"What do you want, Cas?" Dean almost snarled out the words. His glare and stance eerily resembling the Dean of old, the big brother—who had been buried under grief for so long.

Calmly, Castiel replied, "Dean, do you remember the question I asked of you that night? What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?

Without hesitation, Dean answered. "Neither. Since Sam isn't here with me to enjoy it."

Satisfied, Castiel continued to ask, "Have you seen or read anything Supernatural-related lately?"

Stunned at the change of topic, Dean replied, "No."

Smiling a secret smile, Castiel nodded at him, "Well, maybe you should start…"

With that, Castiel disappeared in a blink of an eye.


	8. Hunting

**Disclaimer: I don't own them**

_A/N: We're back with Sam in this one shot._

Nothing had changed for Sam since Castiel visited asking why Sam wasn't with Dean. If anything, the visit had fueled Sam's desire to single-handily get rid of all the evil in the world.

As the weeks rolled into months, Sam continued on the road aimlessly heading anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Soon news of his heroisms started spreading especially since he would silently arrive in a town, quietly asking weird questions about the town's urban legends or resident ghosts. He would stay a day or two getting rid of the supernatural being, but then try and leave as silently as he had come while accepting the grateful thanks of people.

Despite Sam's efforts of just disappearing in between hunts, newspaper articles were written about the tall, dark, and dangerous man who saves people.

He was given silly superheroish nicknames such as the Phantom or the Guardian.

Sam hated the publicity, but there were the times when he reluctantly agreed to have his picture taken with the kids and families whom he had saved from numerous supernatural beings.

There were the times where Sam wished that he had Dean with him as backup. Such as the time when Sam found himself cornered by four demons that had ganged up on him together. He tried chanting the Latin to send them back to hell but it didn't work. They circled him all the while taunting him with what they would do to Dean if and when they found him. At the thought of Dean being hurt again because of him, Sam ached and closed his eyes trying to stop unwanted tears. He thought to himself that he had to stop them, he had to save Dean. When he finally opened his eyes, the demons were lying on the floor dead. Frightened that he was the one who did it, Sam just ran.

Even if Sam couldn't really get rid of all the evil in the world, hunting made him feel alive- a feeling that Sam admitted to himself, he hadn't felt since that night when Dean had made that fateful deal and had returned Sam to the world of the living. If he was honest with himself- from that point on he existed. First it was because he just had to get Dean out of his deal, then it was for all-consuming revenge on Lilith, and finally it was because of soul-crushing guilt for letting Lucifer out of his cage.

In his quest to try and give Dean and practically the world a safe place to live in, Sam finally found his purpose and in doing so, he was finally at peace with himself. There was still one thing missing, but Sam, being his stubborn self, just buried that ache deep inside himself until he could almost forget that it ever existed.


	9. Renewed Purpose

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_A/N: Now we're back with Dean who has been very busy since Castiel's visit._

After Castiel's surprise visit, Dean started browsing the newspapers and news-sites for any supernatural occurrences and sightings. It had been a good few months since Dean even thought of checking the newspaper for anything even remotely connected to the supernatural. It was too much of a reminder of the times where he and Sam would spend much of their time combing dozens of newspapers and websites looking for their next job.

Dean recalled how Sam would sit huddled at the laptop doing research while he would do the same or spend the time checking and cleaning their weapons. Just remembering those times left Dean reeling from the sense of loss as if Sam falling into hell happened recently. Whoever said that time healed all wounds had never met the Winchesters.

Lisa and Ben are amazed at Dean's new energy as he focused on spending much of his time searching for potential hunts that Sam would take on. Dean had even cut back a little at the garage where he worked since the garage was taking valuable time which could be used for research. Dean had changed from a quiet, reserved man to an energetic and focused individual.

The change was so drastic, that one night after supper, while Dean was buried deep in all his research, Lisa commented that he had reverted back into the same man whom she first met all those years ago.

Lisa finally agrees to have Dean teach Ben some defense moves which both man and boy thrived on. The boy loved learning because it was just so cool and the man loved teaching because it allowed him to hone his skills back into shape in addition to the reminder that there is another boy out there waiting for him to come and save him.

Finally, after a good few weeks of research, Dean finds evidence of Sam. He found various articles that described a man with Sam's characteristics alongside silly names such as the Phantom or the Guardian.

Dean smirked to himself at the names and thought about how much he would tease Sam about them when they finally got back together.

One article boasted a picture of the Phantom standing together with a couple of kids he saved. At seeing Sam looking tired and very much alone, all thoughts of teasing leave Dean. Suddenly, for the first time since he started searching, he is hesitant about finding Sam.

All sorts of questions flash through Dean's mind, such as if Sam's alive, then why hasn't he come to see Dean? Is it 100% Sam or has a piece of Lucifer latched on to his little brother changing him yet again?

_Screw that_, Dean decided. He was determined to find Sam and knock some sense into his thick skull. Dean had a quite a few things to say to his little brother who had decided to call all the shots for their family.

With that in mind, Dean decides to get out the Impala and resume hunting. He would be hunting only one particular being—his little brother.

It takes Dean another week to get organized and to say good-bye and a heart-felt thank- you to Lisa and to give his promise to Ben that he'll be back some time to see him and his mom together with Sam by his side.

Armed with the numerous clippings of where Sam had hunted and saved people, Dean began his hunt for Sam by searching the same areas where Sam had been sighted.


	10. Home

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

_A/N: So we're finally here! The big reunion :) _

Eventually, Dean catches up with Sam. It had taken days of research because despite Sam's promise to Castiel, he had remained under the radar most of the time. In true Winchester fashion, Dean finds Sam digging up a grave in a cemetery right smack in the middle of nowhere-ville USA in the dead of the night.

As the Impala rumbles up to the cemetery gates, alerting Sam to Dean's presence, Dean's heart skips a beat. _This is it. He had found his Sammy. At least he hoped that Sammy still existed._

As for Sam, the sound of the Impala's rumble sends a slight shiver of longing down his spine. After months of wandering and hunting aimlessly, all he ever wanted was to go home, back to where he belonged. He doesn't think that he deserved it, but he wished for it with all his heart and soul.

Slowly Dean got out of the Impala, his eyes following Sam's every moment fearing that any second now Sam would disappear.

Despite his height, Sam seemed to shrink a little with every step he took towards the Impala and Dean.

They both came to a stop with just a short distance separating them. Each hungrily takes in how the other looks like and whether or not they had changed physically since they last saw each other.

Sam looked too thin in Dean's opinion while Dean looked too sad and lost in Sam's.

The silence is deafening as the seconds go by. Neither man dares to take the first step in fear that this just might be a dream.

Finally, Sam lowers his eyes, still unsure how Dean will react to him being alive and topside again.

As if he can sense Sam's reluctance, Dean just breathed out one word—"Sammy."

With that, Dean takes that first step forward. Sam swallows a tiny sob as he crosses the remaining distance in no time at all.

As they grasp each other in a crushing hug, both brothers sigh in contentment—they had both finally come home. They had been adrift without the other. They both had tried to live without the other with very little success. They were bounded together by blood and by brotherhood. Not even Hell and Heaven could keep them apart.

As the Impala's lights shine on the boys, highlighting their single silhouette, Castiel gazed one last time at them. Then he glanced up towards the sky with approval and disappeared in a swirl of light.

His job of leading the Winchesters back home to each other was finally over.


End file.
